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ayako
November 2009 
Authentic Sadness
Posted on Dec 1st, 2008
by 
~Matthew
~Matthew
I'm not sure exactly what to write. But I feel I should say something. I should let you all know. I'm lying in my bed right now, typing with my eyes closed. Tears are wetting my cheeks. It's not like I haven't faced this sadness. I've been facing it for months now. I've even been seeing a therapist to help me through it. I guess I was a little embarassed to tell you. Embarassed because I was so proud. I was so proud to call Ayako my wife. And now I can't do that. I can't do that anymore. We are getting divorced. My lip is quivering as I write this. I'm sorry to have to tell you this. I wish it weren't so. But, now you at least know why I'm so sad. I wish I could say it's because of the lousy economy. But it's not. It's because I've lost the object of my devotion. I am so very sad.
Access: Public
Matthew, so very sorry to hear this. How heart-breaking. I don't suppose much will help right now, but here is a virtual (((hug))) to help you through these days. Take care, friend.
Thank you, Centria :)
My heart goes out to you ~matthew, hopefully wrapping you in loving comfort and safety as you process your way through this. You are loved & cared for by all of us here, in this beautiful community you work so hard to create. Thank you for sharing so openly with us and allowing us in - anytime you need an ear or wish for words - just holler my way. Seriously… !! My heart is open to you !!!
Much Love & hugs,
Lisa
Sweet Matthew,
I'm sorry you are in so much pain with this transition.
Go through your feelings, cry, be hugged by the people around you,
know that we, your Gaia family love you very much.
Roll with it, This too shall pass.
I wish you smiles, laughs and so much joy.
Big Bear Hug ((((((((((((((Matthew))))))))))))))))
I Love You,
Lb
Lisa, thank you for the sweet note :) Thank you for opening your heart to me. That means so much to me.
LB, thank you for your kind words. Of course, you already know how much you mean to me, but again, thank you :)
Both of you, I'm feeling your hugs. Wish I could experience them in meet-space.
Hugs,
Matthew
Mattew, I can't say I can relate , as I am not in your shoes , although I know that I have also gone through an ending of such, and it was like peeling away an onion.
I to went for much therapy , and I am proud that I got the help I needed.
I want to say that this has made me a stronger person , and yes it is hard now to see the light, yet I believe in you , and you are a strong soul, dear one.
Take care , and many hugs , and love as always.
Dearest Mathew, thank you for opening your heart and sharing this tremendous pain. As you walk this path feeling alone,may warmth flood your heart within and without…
(((((((((()))))))))))
Oh Dear Matthew, I cry with you, and so many of us know how you feel. Loss and separation between you and someone you dearly love is devastating.
Somehow it will happen …. you will feel better, the sky will be blue, and all of a sudden you will hear a happy song instead of only sad songs. Don't ask me
how it happens - it just does.
You are LOVE and you touch all that surrounds you. See if you can make someone else smile….just one day, then the next. Give your love to those who
do not know you …a simple smile is all it takes.
(( Matthew))
Beautiful Matthew,
Thank you for the trust you give us by opening and showing your vulnerability and hurt.
To be able to that Matthew, it is a sign of strength.
I understand and can feel your pain, like probably many of us here can. Let yourself be carried through this by all the sweet love that you may receive from people reaching out to you and hold you close to their hearts.
I hold you close to mine.
Love,
Lucienne
Dear Matthew..
I was so touched by your words, sharing and open hearted courage, I know how hard it can be when you are parted from someone you dearly love..
It can feel a lonely time and yet the moments will pass..
It is so wonderful that you are surrounded by so many loving friends who truly care..
Going through this you are not alone, remember there are many who care and are with you..
Sending you my heartfelt blessings, hugs and praying you find peace and comfort…
Love
Ange
Matthew…I am so very sorry. I have been through this three times, and once is once too many! Please know I am thinking of you and hold you in my prayers. I wish you well my dear friend. Please know you are dearly loved here by many of us, and although that will never take away the pain or hurt, it is our intention to hold you in our hearts and help you heal with the love we have for you.
Blessings,
Aley
Believe it or not, this energy of light we are so connected to, are all 'holdings of hands' with one another in this cosmic universe and the love from each that we are connected to, is in the highest transition of formality.
Through these troubled times, we have to keep 'pulling up our socks' one day at a time.
The ache Will subside and what evolves there after, will be a joy that you can only laugh to and be harmonious with because, your soul is too beautiful to see it any other way!
God Bless,
Loving you.
Keep the peace, brother.
Rita
Wow, I come back to my blog only to see this showering, this outpouring of Love. I know each of you are speaking from the heart, trying to comfort me in this time of great pain. Thank you. I appreciate all of you. I read every one of your words, and I feel very blessed to be so cared for. It's exactly what I needed, in this moment :) Thank you.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
~Matthew
I feel for you Matthew. Take care.
AND I love you!
There is a loss but there is no loss in you, there is pain and feel the pain and this too shall pass and heal for you are still the most compassionate, the most loving, the most caring man I have never met “yet” and you are magnificent and full of love. You are authentic love. We suppport you. Be well.
with love,
Samme
Wow, Samme. I'm “the most compassionate, the most loving, the most caring man” you have never met? I'm speechless. I love you too, brutha. And I'm very honored.
With humble gratitude,
~Matthew
I think you'll be okay (((hugs)))
I am sooooo sorry too, Matthew.
I can feel your'e pain in my own heart as I read your'e words.
Is there no hope of getting back together?
If not -I hope you will in the future find happiness again and have
to wisdom to see that your'e path's were only meant to be for a short time,
but beautiful and loving while it lasted.
Take care and wishing you all the best for the future,
peace and love
sandy
:(
much love
Matthew,
you are a good friend and it breaks my heart so many times over. we are here for you. as :f said: much love.
Mathew, hugs, this is a normal human natural process of loss and I'm so sorry you feel like this.
What helped me out of a similar situation was realising I am responsible for my own happiness and being gentle on myself, gradually easing into taking responsiblity for loving myself, giving myself breathing space,letting go without rancour and staying loving in the broadest sense towards my ex, and being positive, working till I could stand alone happily. A tall order I know, but it helped open the way forward with no baggage. More hugs, Use or lose this, according to if it is helpful to you or not.
hello dear one,
I am very sorry to hear that you are going through such a painful time - it is ok to be sad, and very understandable. I have not read everyone's comments to you, but from the sheer number of them, it is definitely clear that you are being surrounded by love and people who care for you. This doesn't take the pain away of course, but as you move through it, take comfort and strength in that. You will be stronger for it. It is hard to hear that things will get better with time - you will maybe always feel that sadness in your heart, but it will change and not be a sharp. Everyone has their path to walk, sometimes that is together, sometimes it is not…. and even when it is painful, there is the possibilty of great learning. For now though, let yourself be sad, it's ok. It is good that you have someone that you are talking to - and sharing with others here, now that you feel that you are able to will help you alot in the long term. Sending you lots of love and healing during this difficult time.
xo
Leigh-Anne
My heart goes out to you….
lovelovelove
sanieh
Gaia is acommunity,
so touching, I am moved with the resposes to my brother. Thanks guys.
I thank God am part of such acommunity, I pledge to let the world know about us.
Comfirt, Joy and Hope, are on your lips.
I love you all
You all bring tears to my eyes. Only these are tears of joy. Really, I wasn't expecting such an outpouring of love. I wish there was a better way to say thank you. I wish I could hug you all. Please know that this means a lot to me. Thank you so very much for your gentle, kind words. Big Love.
~M, brother
Shalan and I grieve with you. You've been in our hearts, well yes since we met you, but especially this week…
We're all here with you.
We grieve with you, in the closing of one story. They all close, and they all hurt. We are so sorry for the hurt. Please let us, your friends, your family, take some of that burden away…
Breathe. Rest. Keep your head up. Make yourself proud, even through this turn of events.
As difficult as it sounds (and that's also a clue), try to treat this as a quest, not a tragedy… Everything will seem different, but it's part of the transformation.
And that transformation I know will be awesome (I save that word for special times). It's a chance to see everything anew, and in that way, there is wonder in these moments…
Trust.
*huge hug, huge guy
even in the midst of your tears…all the gifts of love pour onto you and surround you. what a divine showing of how important you are to the universe. as we look at our lives from the individual perspective, we feel/see success in this or failure in that, love with this one or dislike of that one - yet, we are one. you are more than the man who was called a husband and your love is needed and appreciated by more than that who you called wife. you are a glorious part of the all of us, this is a truth that is beyond divorce and beyond separation.
i feel for you as you cry and yet i am so happy that you are so genuine that you would cry and share your tears with all of us who also cry for various reasons at various times. i feel for you as you cry and yet i am so happy to see how much love there is for you right here online that is sent to your very side.
you already know you have the strength to get through this and you will. all of the advice is perfect and truth. smile at the sun for it is smiling on you and it dries all tears. even as i feel for this love that has run its momentary course, i am so happy to join in with all in this blog who offer to you a love that is yours to own.
we are one
aki
grief is circuitous, not linear, which makes it a wonky thing to cope with… know that we are all with you on the good days and the rough ones, whenever they may come.
my heart goes out to you,
m.
Sad, perhaps, but ever so very very very loved.
Matthew, I'm so sorry for your pain. It's true that nothing said right now will be of much comfort, except to let you know you're cared about and not alone.
I've been through this too and all I can say is, try to learn from the mistakes made, take your time healing, be extra kind and patient with yourself, but stay involved in life. Don't shut yourself away, you never know what's in store for you next.
I learned so much about myself having gone through the pain of loving and lost love. No matter what the reason for the split, there are signs, lessons to be learned, and hopefully you will not make the same choices again.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. (((((((BIG HUGGS)))))))
LeJiane
Thanks LeJiane. I'm happy to receive your hugs :) But I would make all the same choices again. I don't feel I made any mistakes in this relationship. At least nothing major. I mean sometimes I squeezed the toothpaste from the middle instead of the end. But I feel pretty confident that I put all my Love into it. And it just didn't work out. I will do the same in my next relationship, wherever and whenever that happens. I won't close my Heart. I will keep it open. I will allow myself to be vulnerable. And, like Zephyr said above, ”I am responsible for my own happiness and being gentle on myself,… taking responsiblity for loving myself, giving myself breathing space, letting go without rancour and staying loving in the broadest sense…“ I couldn't have said it better myself.
This is the path I am on right now. And perhaps one day, the woman who is meant to be in love with me will appear. And if not, then at least I can still drown eveyone with whom I come in contact with Love. And that Love will be / is the same Love I have for myself–the same Love we all share when we're not pretending that we are separated by hate, fear, greed, and the like–the same Love that you all just shared with me, touching my heart, opening up the floodgates of healing, gratitude, and maybe even a little…. joy? Thank you, thank you, One and All.
This is my first day with the Gaia Community and I fell right to your heartfelt and tearful first message, then this tsunami of love, fellowship, support and honoring in the Comments. I just landed in an excellent place for me! Take that devotion for your former wife and turn some of it back on yourself and the Universe within you; know that you're loved; and grow with it, in light and love.
You have got nothing to be embarrased about. Breakdown of relationships are painful.
I wish I could give you a hig. Think positive and things will get better in time x
My dear Matthew ~ My entire spirit goes out to you. I am so sorry for this loss. You are amazing. I wish she was willing to fix things as every household can be fixed with a willingness. I hope you have the puppy with you. This is sad. I will e mail some words of wisdom that will help. You are purely loved.
Yeah, He'kili is sitting on my lap right now :) I wish we could have worked things out, too. Thanks, ~KES, for the pure love :)
Dearest Matthew~
We are all here for you, we are your Global Family and we Love You Dearly!
I too wish there was a way the both of you could work things out, but having been divorced myself, as well as many of us here, speaking from the experience, this isn't always possible…but should let you know that 'this too shall pass'…and that you will rebound with greater intensity and spirit and a deeper appreciation for the union of 2 as 1.
Grieve as long as you need to…or want to…May our Love and Light and Embrace hold you and comfort you through this time.
You Are Loved!~~~<3
sometimes we gotta feel those chemicals inside –
I do not know you but I can relate to loss.
peace love & joy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S38-mjy5NtA
Matthew -
We're so sorry to hear about this. Our hearts go out to you.
Your dear friends,
Rob & Susan H.
I love you Matthew. From my limited view, I thought you were an amazing husband and I was impressed with the love, care and thoughtfulness you exuded as a husband. You are just that kind of man. So, I know you will find the right woman with that right connection, who will be honored to have such an amazing man in her life.
Matthew, you’re so young and beautiful… i’m glad you’re taking this time to be present in the moment, even amidst pain and sadness. I always say that life situations are transient, moving, shifting, constantly evolving. Life takes you like the currents of ariver. The Universe has other plans for you that’s all. And my Gosh! you’re surrounded by so much love it’s amazing!
What a difficult time to go through something so hard. It is very difficult, which although I am being repetitive, there is not a stronger word to describe what you are going through. I could tell you just to cheer up, but I know from personal experience that those words are empty through pain. But know this, you reaching out won’t go unrewarded because even though you may not have anyone with you physically, we, the whole of the Gaia community are there with you spiritually and will always have open eyes and open hearts.
I am glad you have your puppy.
{{{Matthew}}} :)
Dearest Middlest Son,
Matt, I love you so very much. Here we are again, the painful side of life happening, only in a different flavor. But this time I am far away and less involved, less “protective”. I have always seen the strength of your sweet spirit and have known that your responses to life would always be tender. I tenderly embrace you now, honey. Thank you for your amazing self-discipline and your devotion. Thank you for your integrity. Thank you for not giving up on love - for Ayako. You always speak so highly and lovingly in her regard. That is the proof of your love for her… and the proof also of your lovableness, still. You are a smart guy…so intelligent! Continue, my son - on your Way. A life of understanding, and loving compassion is the easiest there is. Daddy and I believe in you …and hug and bless you - as always.
Lovesomuch - Mom
Thanks, Mom. You and Dad have always been great parents :) I hope, some day, to be, too.
being a parent myself, reading that note from your mom really touched me.
Hello Matthew. I know this is days later, but I wanted to express that I am so sorry to hear of you going through this. Just from what I have observed of you from years here at Gaia, I admire you as a person, at times having been touched by your compassion, respect and integrity. Know that you are loved. Mary
Matthew,
I’m so sorry to hear of your pain and sadness. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t aware of it sooner. I’m so sorry that things didn’t work out for you and Ayako. I’m so sorry that I don’t have more powerful words that I can write.
Peace and love,
Marc
I thoroughly missed this , sorry. It’s one of those things, eh, our online lives leave this space where you have to sometimes share something in a way that’s less-than-ideal.
My ex and I broke up 3 years ago, after 17 years and 2 children. I am remarried, to a much better match. But I’m not here to tell you “oh, there’s more fish in the sea.” because that’s bullshit. There’s only one of that particular fish, and it’s gone. And there’s all sorts of suckage to go around, because, whether you’re the leave-er or the leave-ee, there’s grief. So there you are. And then, you think you’re over it, and it bubbles up again. It’s cool. Take the time and space you need for this and, oh, one more thing: Therapy Rocks! Yay for Therapy! I think everyone should have a therapist, more than they should have a doctor. What we need is more people in therapy and less going to western doctors, but that’s another rant!
XOXOXOXOXO
Liz
Thank you for sharing this, Mathew, and for trusting all with all of you at such a vulnerable and human time. I got your grief, bro. I also sense that when you shared your human-ess, something broke free? And the grief didn’t have the same grip on you, perhaps?
Yes, Praveer, you are right. And thank you for seeing/sensing that :)
Matthew, I’m so sorry to hear about this. I wish I had kept in closer contact so that I could have been available when this was happening. You truly are one of the most caring guys I’ve met (even when you’re messing with me ;) and I know that you’ll have a life full of love. I hope you’re doing well right now. This news truly saddens me. I’m sorry!
Sending love and compassion form Cali,
dp