Shit stinks, the lotus grows
Posted on Jan 20th, 2006
by 
~Matthew
~Matthew
When I was 14, I had a friend in Boy Scouts (I'll call him Frank) who killed his mom, his two brothers, and then himself. The only survivor was his father, who was at church at the time. Because Frank was always nice to me and the other kids he hung out with and because I identified with him in some ways, this event shattered my life (as well as many others' lives... I don't know how his dad has managed since).
Or maybe it just shattered my identity. I started wondering if I was capable of doing the same thing. After all, Frank and I had a lot in common. If he could do it... could I? Yes. The conclusion I came to was that I could do it. I could. I COULD. I had the capability to do the exact same thing. Hell, I could do worse things if I really put my mind to it!
This conclusion was depressing, and I checked out for a while. I stayed in bed. I didn't want to go anywhere. I became scared of myself... of what I could do. As far as I was concerned, I was a danger to myself and everyone around me. "If only I could go back to the naivety of not knowing what evil I am capable of," I thought.
But as depressing as it was, this conclusion also helped me grow. Because the identity I had previously constructed for myself had been shattered, and because I struggled with constructing a new identity that transcended and included the old one, "identity" itself became a little more transperrent... recognition of enlightenment--a little less elusive.
Flowers grow from manure... as long as you plant the zaadz
Or maybe it just shattered my identity. I started wondering if I was capable of doing the same thing. After all, Frank and I had a lot in common. If he could do it... could I? Yes. The conclusion I came to was that I could do it. I could. I COULD. I had the capability to do the exact same thing. Hell, I could do worse things if I really put my mind to it!
This conclusion was depressing, and I checked out for a while. I stayed in bed. I didn't want to go anywhere. I became scared of myself... of what I could do. As far as I was concerned, I was a danger to myself and everyone around me. "If only I could go back to the naivety of not knowing what evil I am capable of," I thought.
But as depressing as it was, this conclusion also helped me grow. Because the identity I had previously constructed for myself had been shattered, and because I struggled with constructing a new identity that transcended and included the old one, "identity" itself became a little more transperrent... recognition of enlightenment--a little less elusive.
Flowers grow from manure... as long as you plant the zaadz
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death
July 2008
Wow, what an incredible story. Thanks for sharing.
Gestalt therapy is based on integrating all of our “parts” into a whole. It deals a lot with connecting with our “shadow” sides, accepting them, and lovingly making peace.
Very often, when we don’t do that, it leads us to judging the things in others that we’re afraid of seeing/refuse to see in ourselves.
Kudos to you for such a beautiful and inspiring learning experience.
Really sad, and amazing too.
I imagine that by coming face to face with the horrors we are all cabaple of, you may have recognized other self-imposed limits. Just as you could do worse things than you realized, you could do more good than you thought possible. Embracing the shadow is unsettling to say the least, but the awareness that comes from it can definitely bear fruit.
I’ve heard a few scary stories too regarding how one;s own family member killed their own loved ones….
perhaps….it was great suffering within themselves that driven them to do it…sometimes…it is unexplainable but perhaps….karmic forces at work?
I always think if these things happened…probably maybe due to karma affinities…
maybe frank was killed in the past and now out of hatred..in which the seed is stored in the alaya conciousness and with the right conditions that causes him to act on it….he did what he always wanted to do deep down inside…
in buddhism, they say that our eigth alaya conciousness stores everything good and bad with no discrimination.
our seventh discrimates what we like and dislike..
the environment can chnage our seventh conciousness….
perhaps…it is frank’s alaya conciousness that is very strong seed…and it grew out on the seventh conciousness as the only thing in his mind…
I believe you have all kind of good and bad seeds in your mind…just keep on practising love and compassion ^ ^ plus forgiving others.
What a scary and paradoxically precious time that was for me . I saw you caught in the midst of unmitigated emotional suffering and you were only 14 years old. I imagined God had an amazing life plan for you - this couldn’t happen w/out abundant fruit available for the plucking. We all make choices; and I am happy and proud that you are so brave and open to the highest possibilities. It seems Daddy and I weren’t such “ordinary ” folk afterall. Just look at you three!! I would have been very content with happy, average children but my cup is overflowing my son : - )
Love always and all ways —— Mom
~Be happy ~stay open ~commit ~risk ~love~ feel ~laugh….preachin to the choir, I know .
Thanks for the feedback, Mommy!! I remember when you used to say stuff like that to me after tucking me in for bed! {big hug}
Dats cuz I yust yuv you!!! Siwwy. kiss*